Hello there, big man. Since you’re the miracle worker and giver of gifts, I figured I’d reach out. I’m a little older since the last time I wrote to you, so please don’t take offense for my absence over the last three decades or so. But I feel like I need to reach out, because I don’t know of anyone else who can work the magic I’m requesting tonight.

Trust me when I say I forgive you for not bringing me that Lite Brite set in 1983. I know now you had done it for three prior years, just to watch me ruin it each year and be done with it by January 15th. I get it. If there’s a wish, make it important. That life lesson is not lost on me, so let’s make a deal. Here’s my requests:

First and foremost, please ensure that Ohio State, and the B1G as a whole, becomes the New York Yankees of college football. Biggest payroll, buying relevance, but investing so much into untold disfunction of ego they become the laughing stock of the sport. Especially Michigan, too. Let them buy all the 10 million dollar quarterbacks they want and let them settle for kicking field goals against Iowa to win a pointless conference.

Second, please ensure that Kirby Smart maintains such a chip on his shoulder that he coaches until Saban’s age, if not to eclipse his Natty total, but to also maintain his integrity in the sport in the face of NIL, the portal, and the CFP Playoff. Let him remain a consummate thorn in Portal Master asses, and continue to grow young men into stars, and continue to find three or no star athletes that become DGDs for eternity.

Third, please ensure that Warde Manuel, along with Greg Sankey and every executive of ESPN to develop perpetual hemorrhoids, to ensure that when they sit down to take an actual shit, it’s as painful as the figurative shit they’ve taken on the sport of college football.

Fourth, please continue to string along the running joke that has become any football program in orange. Tennessee, Clemson, Florida, and now Texas have all become a joy to the Dawgnation eye. Thank you, and please don’t let up. Especially to Tennessee. It’s just delightful to watch and it’s nice to raise my daughters realizing that Orange is a color only befitting of prisoners, and any suitor to come their way adorning it will likely be one someday anyway.

Fifth, please allow us to play to 16 overtimes to Tech next year, just to beat them on a two point conversion involving a walk-on receiver and a walk-on quarterback. It would be a new record streak, and it was too much fun to watch the gnashing of teeth and excuse making that ensued. Yea, I’m a sadist. You knew this because I pulled for the Dawgs in the 90s, and I enjoy pain. It’s more delightful when it happens to the Nerds.

Sixth, please allow Dan Mullen to be successful. I want him to someday wear Auburn colors and take the reins in East Alabama, only to watch the streak continue to double digits against the Whore Eagles. They are already spending excessive amounts of money, and I love watching trash burn money, almost as much as seeing Alabama fans melt down and eat their own to win a game. The entire state will have to abolish public education, because tax dollars are being diverted to NIL wars and the ruthless and toothless will fall to 50th in the nation in education, and last in the conference in wins. Auburn and Alabama both suck. More than you’ll ever know. When it’s all said and done, the Barners and the Gumps will be marrying each other to merger their teams into a single conglomerate, not unlike the straight arrow line that are the family trees in Alabama.

Seventh, please bring Muschamp back to a on field coaching role. Allow his son at Vanderbilt to get a NIL deal in Athens so Boom can come back home.

Eighth, ditto Monken. Athens is a great place to live and retire.

Finally, and this is just asking too much at this point, please somehow blind and mute me from anything that comes from College Gameday. If I never saw Pat McAfee ever again, I’d be a happy boy.

Again, Santa, I’m older and somewhat wiser now. I understand the Lite Brite thing now, there were bigger things in life to ask for. I appreciate you considering my wishes, and if you could most importantly ensure that number 7 and 8 can happen, the rest is elementary.

And number 4. That’s less personal and more for the good of humanity. Auburn, Texas, and Tennessee suck, and you know it.

I hope you skip all the houses with orange on them. Especially Texas. They were gifted the easiest possible SEC schedule, so they are fine. And I know you won’t find the Tennessee houses anyway, since they sold their trailers for playoff tickets. The Florida fans already got their gift of eternal hope in a somewhat competent Billy Napier and DJ Lagway. Hopefully the earth won’t trip him again into an unexplained game-ending injury when it’s convenient for their narrative next year.

Thanks in advance for your consideration of my wishes.

Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?

Stay hatin’, and Go ‘Dawgs.

-JP