The Portal Master himself is chiming in with this week’s Top 25, brought to you by Expedia, the best online site for booking flights just to screw with miserable fan bases everywhere. Here’s Dan’s Top 25 after a wacky week of college football madness.

1. Atlanta Falcons – Like a hopeless woman looking at their unemployed, methed-out yet country handsome beau, I’m looking at you, Atlanta. “I can change him” I think to myself. Call me, Arthur.
2. Notre Dame – placing here because they’ll find a way, they always do.
3. California – they have one of the worst offenses in the nation, by YPG, and beat Auburn. That’s classic stuff, and funny as hell, too.
4. Connor Stallions – I think we all see he was Michigan’s MVP all along, right?
5. Flight Logs – I’m booking flights to Auburn, Gainesville, Tallahassee, and South Bend this week, just to see which AD I need to DM based on message board chatter.
6. Colorado – If I land somewhere, I can assure you that Coach Amazon Prime will be my Director of Recruiting and Culture. None better at delivering through the Portal, brought to you by Band-Aid brand bandages.
7. Flintstone Chewable Vitamins – Sure, they’re for kids, but a whole bottle is just what the doctor ordered for me. Somehow Barney tastes the best. Also good if you’re watching the PAC-2 after dark.
8. The Oregon Duck – He filmed himself visiting every BIG stadium before the season started, and now he needs to visit the film room. I heard his tail is stuffed with hundred dollar bills donated by Phil Knight.
9. Georgia Tech – they beat a ranked team, for Christ’s sake!
10. 1980’s era granular school bathroom soap – Pink enough to look like Kool Aid, the consistency of Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip, and the coarseness of Fast Orange. And a taste that can’t be beat.
11. Ryan Day’s Beard Dye – If I had that much talent and did so little with it, I’d have a gray hair or two, as well. Oh, wait…
12. Nick Saban Field – they scheduled the dedication for the Georgia game, but something told them they might need that juice for Florida so they moved it up. Wait, I mean South Florida. What?
13. Quality Commentators, like me – Did you see the Georgia game? It made you long for hearing impairment or Scott Howard, whichever is worse for you. I heard the video production team was testing out the new beer sales policy before the game started.
14. Georgia – putting them outside the top 12 because I like chaos, and I’m also an asshole.
15. Interception Celebrations – I love the ones with regional flair, like Tennessee’s “Inter-family Paternity Test Results” and Auburn’s “Redacted Cell Phone Records” celebrations. Arkansas’s “Haul Ass on a Harley and Crash with a Coed” is growing on me.
16. Northern Illinois – I heard Rudy has entered the transfer portal. Grab him while you can, Huskies.
17. Florida – Don’t go getting good on me. DJ Lagway, I’m a developer of QBs who can’t win NFL playoff games (but gets paaiiiiid), and I’m coming, maybe.
18. Kentucky – Anyone who can make South Carolina look that good is doing the Lord’s work. I wonder if Stallions was on the Kentucky sideline the week before?
19. Matthew McConaughey – Alright, alright, alright. The Ambassador of Culture was finally on the sideline for a rare important win.
20. Ole Miss – Keep your starters in through the fourth quarter of a meaningless ass whipping, and that’s how you coach a winner’s culture. Mercy is for the weak, Cobra Kai.
21. The Combined Georgia Defensive talent during the Eagles-Packers game – they could probably play defense only and still outscore 75% of college football teams today. They would win the ACC outright, just ask Clemson.
22. Lenny Briscoe – wise-ass cop with a sad past, still my favorite detective on Law and Order. Would’ve been a great offensive coordinator for a BIG team, too, more specifically, Iowa’s.
23. Brian Kelly’s Code Switching – one minute, he’s midwestern, next minute he’s shucking crawdads on a barge in the Delta, talking about “mah fam-ah-lee”. Sounds like Justin Wilson, if Justin Wilson turned everything he touched to mediocre shit.
24. Locker Room Material – like all great coaches do, they insert cleated foot directly into mouth. Or, it’s an unfortunate streak, like Auburn’s seven losses in a row to Georgia or Tennessee’s SEC record since the turn of the century.
25. USC – Don’t look now, but they may have realized the other 11 guys on the field do something each week, and apparently, it’s magical (throws jazz hands). Tah-dah!