Ladies and gentleman, who better to inform us of the college football hierarchy than the Portal Master himself, Dan Mullen (editor’s note: this is satire):

1. Florida – there’s potential there. Potential for greatness and badness, all the same. Bet the latter, hope for the former. It’s a quality formula. I know.
2. Georgia – I’ve seen this before, let’s call it Alabama every year between 2009-2020. They both haunt me.
3. USC -Only because I like surfing, surfing on hopes and dreams, bitches. And I also like California Pizza Kitchen, 3 in the morning and my momma ain’t home. And I have no more money.
4. Notre Dame – because they’re supposed to be there, right? Either, way, they’re in, and I like to be right sometimes. This is my rock-solid pick of the year (note: it’s everybody’s).
5. Utah State – It’s like BYU without the preachy shit. I’ll take it. Plus, a team with no hope for relevance that I can revive, like Mississippi State. Hi, I’m looking for work.
6. Utah – see above. I can be “in waiting” too. I’m waiting, too.
7. Arkansas – No one can stop Bobby Petrino. Not even Title IX. Who is going to stop him now? Just hide the volleyball team and they’ll be fine. Sponsored by Harley Davidson of Fayetteville.
8. Ole Miss – I like Lane. Not in a good way, but he’s special. He’s employed, a step ahead of me. I’ll take notes on his portal masterness, and aim for Gainesville again. Note to self, Mississippi is a destination, not a legacy.
9. Alabama – Can’t stand them, but I feel compelled to include them anyway. Kaolin The Bore could be good in the SEC, he could also be fired tomorrow. Welcome to the show. I know too well.
10. DirectTV – they blocked Georgians from something they love, like Braves baseball and college football. Fuck them.
11. Boston College – bwahahahaha. Suck it long, suck it hard, Seminoles.
12. Clemson – only so they can keep the false hope alive, and I hope I can come back to Skarlina and face them. You do you, Dabo. Also, I’m available for work, Anderson College.
13. Miami Proper – I like Pitbull, and chips with salsa. Great combination and a taste that can’t be beat. Speaking of beats, I can dance to his.
14. Auburn – Why not? They looked like they had a competent quarterback for a change. Hasn’t been there since Fig Newtons, Nix wasn’t worth recruiting. I stand by that.
15. Missouri – Only because I wanted to recruit a guy named Luther. And because I’m a burden.
16. NC State, or Raleigh, NC – I hate Tennessee. At least we can all agree, we hate the state and all who live in it.
17. Michigan – I’m all about sign stealing. I took a DeSantis sign off my neighbor’s yard and my ex-wife applauded me. Child support payments stay the same.
18. Georgia Tech – Admittedly, I thought this was Georgia, but I’m a man of my immediate word.
19. Vanderbilt – Those fuckers are smart, man. And dangerous because they have nothing to lose. Their coach is named Clark. Don’t trust those type of guys.
20. Ohio State – The best thing to come out of Ohio is Tommy Boy, and my kids don’t laugh at it on weekends like I used to. But Meyer coached there, so I’m compelled to call them great. It’s a requirement.
21. Boise State – Who doesn’t like a crisp, fried potato.
22. Colorado – Gotta love the Portal, bro. I like the way Coach Prime thinks. I just need a good quarterback and nothing else. It takes care of itself. (Scribbles in notebook).
23. Penn State – Quintana, man. That dude can roll. If you know, you know. (Hint: Big Lebowski).
24. UCF – Gotta respect the undefeated and unheard national champs. Coach Frost just joined the Rams. Like ram it down your throat until you believe it. Makes sense.
25. Texas – Because the Rangers will come after me if I don’t include them here. You thought I was talking about the Longhorns? Who the hell are they?

Others receiving votes: SMU (69), Georgia Southern (66), Wheel of Fortune (42), Shamwow (31), Sugar Ray (3), Toyota Celica (1).