Looking ahead to the coming season, we’ll be seeing the collision of television market revenue with college football tradition, and it’s still hard to picture the good and bad in it all. I still subscribe to the philosophy that the regular season is the playoffs once the conference championships have come to pass, but let’s face it, there’s money to be had, so we’re heading to the 12-team CFP this year, like it or not.
Watching it play out during March Madness, I wondered about several things, from player fatigue to teams hitting a hot streak (2007 Georgia comes to mind), even the March Madness-esque name that will be applied to it (December Depression? January Jaundice?). Then I saw this tweet:
Inspired, I determine it’s time to play out the CFP, or the Candy Foundations Playoff, sponsored by ESPN (sub-sponsored by Caesar’s Sportsbook) and Nestle. The structure is the same, but instead of the proposed blend of Power Four-Point-Two (seriously, where does the PAC fall into this now?) blue-blood football programs and Group of Five aspirationals, let’s go with traditional holiday candies and see how they make it through the CFP Bracket.
Week 1, Game 1 – #12 vs #5 – @Spangler Candy Company, Bryan, Ohio – 1 pm EST
Game 1 features two worthy competitors, though the #12 seed didn’t make the playoff without its share of controversy. Entering the CFP with an overall losing record, the visiting “Maw Maw’s Candy Dish Collective” will face off against traditional February power, Sweethearts. This is a dangerous game for both, as the Collective gains traditional steam around late November through December from Thanksgiving to Christmas, while the Sweethearts squad traditionally remains quiet and explodes onto the scene around January.
While the Sweethearts are a national favorite, the Collectives are a relative unknown. A hodgepodge of unknown and unbranded candies, they came out of the grenadine dish sitting on a 1956 Hallicrafters television center that emits no less than Chernobyl-level radiation to any and all who sit near it within a one mile radius. Featuring yellow wrapped butterscotch candies to red-wrapped, Carolina Reaper infused “cinnamon”, their team is spirited by a host of small balls of candy in clear wrappers that come in three flavors – Scope mouthwash green, Robitussin Red, and something purple. If you were lucky, you’d get a “Strawberry” but don’t be surprised if it’s anything but Strawberry. Their team strengths is their consistency, in that they are consistently not consumed and also come in their original 1956 wrappers, as well. Over time, they have gelled into a singular blob that cannot be separated without industrial strength technology.
Though forgotten about through much of the season, the Sweethearts come with their own message and plan to make this a statement game, literally. Their team mantra for the 2024 season – Be Mine – has proven, over and over again, to be formidable and a message they’ve capitalized on in an undefeated campaign. While initially the zesty pick entering the playoff months, it’s not forgotten that, over time, they begin to lose flavor and zest and leave a few messages unread at the bottom of their box.
ESPN/Caesar’s Line: Sweethearts – 27.5; O/U 61.5
Prediction: Sweethearts 56, Maw Maw’s Candy Dish Collective 3
Game 2 – #11 vs #6, @ Mars Wrigley Field, Chicago, IL – 4:00 PM EST
Unlike game one of the day, the second game proves to be a match up of traditional December powerhouses, as the Brach’s Christmas Nougats from across town take on the Christmas M&Ms in a midwest showdown.
The obvious advantage here goes to the M&Ms, who strategically put the red and green colors only into their Christmas holiday selection. Urban legend around the genesis of these colors that started on the playground in grade school permeate into today, where opposing teams are left wondering if the green will make an obvious on-field overture to them while on the bottom of a pile up, or if the reds are as deadly as legend has them.
The Nougats, though, are not without their strength in numbers. Long serving as a family-get-together saving grace, the Nougats have helped to keep the detection of excess egg nog, straight bourbon, or behind-the-backyard-shed puffs consumed while Uncle Johnny rambles on into hour three about NASA and the Firmament. Safe passage home has been guaranteed thanks in part to the chewy mint goodness of a handful of these bad boys in your pocket and your mouth as you hope the GSP has taken the holidays off this time around (note: they didn’t).
ESPN/Caesar’s Line – M&M’s -7.5; O/U 37.5
Prediction: M&M’s 23 – Nougats 13
Game 3 – #10 vs. #7 – Hershey’s Field, Hershey, Pennsylvania – 4 pm EST
The third game of the day features an old Big Ten standard out of Pennsylvania versus another Brach’s candy from Illinois. In what’s likely to be the most overlooked contest of the day, don’t forget to DVR this one and watch later as the tenth-seeded Mellowcreme Pumpkins face off against Easter power, Robin Eggs.
The Robin Eggs are a slight favorite in this match-up, known for their tough-as-nails exterior that yield only to slightly softer malted center, but know that they are tough and resilient across the field. Known only to soften in the rain, as the malted center of this team can likely dissolve in wet conditions, it is believed that a snowy gameday will only benefit the squad, which is anchored and backed by their long-standing coaching staff that has been known to arrive in giant, milk-carton sized containers as Whoppers. The three-layers approach, from candy coating to chocolate shell to malted center means the only crunch on the field will be that felt by the visiting Mellowcremes.
The Mellowcremes, though, have fought through adversity. Not traditionally a Halloween staple, the Mellowcremes hopped out of Maw Maw’s Collective years ago and found their way originally into the unique Halloween candy rotation. Though originally paired with the other Halloween power, Candy Corn, the Mellowcremes gained steam once paired with Chex Mix and the 6th-seeded M&M’s to find themselves being pulled from the mix and finally establishing brand dominance (read: at least it’s not candy corn) during the holiday season. Heavy and sturdy, the stand alone treat remains a solid opponent to the hosting Eggs from Hershey.
ESPN/Caesar’s Line: Robin Eggs -3.5, O/U 24
Prediction: Robin Eggs 17, Mellowcremes 13
Game 4 – #9 vs. #8, Superdome, New Orleans, LA – 7:30 PM, EST
The day is capped off with one of the most anticipated rematches of the year, and given that both teams hail from the South, it’s no surprise that they didn’t have to be a true Holiday candy to make the field of 12. The #9 seeded Goo Goo Clusters from Tennessee will face off in a rematch with the eighth-seeded Pralines of Louisiana for the chance to play the #4 seed in the quarterfinals, possibly in New Orleans again a week later in the Sugar Bowl.
Though neither is a stranger to anyone in the south, Pralines typically pick up speed around the holidays as gifts or because “it’s the holidays and screw dieting, I’m going to eat what I want until I puke”. The first matchup this year between the Pralines and the Clusters occurred at a Bucc-ees in Crossville, Tennessee, where the Clusters bested the Pralines, mainly thanks to home-field advantages and a raucous crowd that was lit up because they were out of brisket, en route to a controversial 20-17 win.