The Portal Master returns to give his two cents on what’s happening in this topsy-turvy season of college football in the year of our Urban Meyer, 2024. As we all know, Dan has a sixth sense when it comes to college football, so let’s see how his expert opinion shapes up after a tumultuous week of football.

1. Gray Divorce – Couples over the age of 50 are seeing an increase in divorce rates. It’s a thing, look it up. Kalen DeBoer turns 50 on the 24th, Tide fans. Time to call the family attorney.
2. Texas – At this point, name another team that’s got as good a record against quality competition. Buford High School, you say? Well, I stand corrected.
3. Situational Offense – Heupel and Co drew up my favorite play Saturday…with the game on the line and time expiring, just run out of bounds at double zeros. Trickeration, for the win!
4. Army – At the rate we are going, they may turn out to be the only undefeated team at season’s end, so I’m hitching my wagon to this one. 99% run plays, I’m not so excited about though.
5. Georgia – Good, but not great. I’m talking about state tourism, not the team. The team is about the same for roughly 60%-70% of the game.
6. Hugh Freeze’s QB Motivational Strategies – When the team takes the L, it’s easier to blame it on your signal caller. Also a nice sob story to the escort you’ll pick up later.
7. Gender Reassigning Prisoner Campaign Ads – Dang, SNL is doing quality work again. Wait, that wasn’t parody?
8. Miami – Mario is doing good work down there. He’s really brought back the Hurricane swagger, as well as the cheating like hell and paying off officials. Feels like old times.
9. Beetlejuice 2 – Michael Keaton was 37 when the first one was made, and they waited until he was twice his age to make a sequel. If it seems like a long time ago, consider it came out the last time Notre Dame won a championship with Lou Holtz. Just facts here.
10. Texas A&M – Elko’s doing a great job there. I’m also only putting this here because I love bonfires and watching people gain hope only to see it eviscerated like so much burning timber in the night sky.
11. Weekly Injury List “Questionables” – Love this one, you thought you’d get insight from me with a transparent list? For my next trick, I’m going to put everyone on the 85-man roster as questionable all week long. Surprise, shorty!
12. The 2023 Florida State Seminoles Football Season – just keeping it here in perpetuity because I love how it ended, and they’ll never forget. You take your pick if I’m referring to the Orange Bowl or the CFP snub, I personally find both equally enjoyable.
13. Live Interview Profanities – ah, the joy of a live feed when the broadcast truck crew are all tuckered out. Pavia cussed on TV and we all appreciated it, and everything Hugh Freeze says regardless of the forum is equally profane.
14. Florida – quietly, they’re becoming a watchable team again. I’m going to enjoy watching the final games of their remaining schedule, which we will refer to here as “why I quit”.
15. Clemson – Since their spanking by Georgia, Clemson has gone on to become an offensive and defensive machine, which is what happens when your next games are listed as “coed” on your schedule.
16. Opting Out of the Regular Season Games – Good for these kids. Not getting paid enough? Not seeing the field enough? F*ck it, just up and quit. Do it mid game preferably, riding off the field in the medical cart. Might as well, since you sustained an injury to your delicate ego with a hurt feeling.
17. Lincoln Riley – Hell of a coach. Like his predecessors, soon to be fired on the tarmac after losing to Notre Dame. Next stop: offensive analyst in Knoxville.
18. Ohio State – Bet you forgot they exist, didn’t you? Honestly, have they started playing football yet this season? Not sure if Ryan Day is alive or not.
19. Ole Miss – Don’t look now, but Ole Miss is back. They are down to about 40 scholarship players, but I heard Lane is good with the portal. Maybe some of the mid year opt outs are landing in Oxford as we speak.
20. Boise State – Only because if they get a 12 seed, I want to see them beat Georgia again. Kirby isn’t a big fan of uniform gimmicks, so not sure we will see the 2011 Nike uniforms on the Dawgs again.
21. Nebraska- That slower, fatter version of Patrick Mahomes can really sling it.
22. TV Timeouts – Nothing makes the reward quite as sweet as anticipation. I love the flow of the game getting disrupted every five minutes, like the kids interrupting you for something when you’re rocking it with your wife or with the pre-K teacher in that class bathroom with the miniature toilet down at Bethel Baptist. Either situation, screw those kids.
23. Vanderbilt – Pedro Pascal can really ball out, can he not? Only a Mandalorian can protect us from the Dark Side, also known as Alabama.
24. The Tempo Between the CFP Championship to Week One – Does it not seem that the time outside of the season is unbearably long, yet here we are in week 6 and it feels like we just kicked off to Clemson yesterday? Geez. Time flies when you’re bitching about every conceivable aspect of your favorite program.
25. Oregon – Not sure what uniform will be worn this weekend, but might I suggest to use the invisible one? Someone needs to knock the Buckeyes down a peg, and I’m sure Phil Knight has the money and technology to do it. Just do it, Ducks.